Finally sadness settled…

Chapter 3

Mark was sad. It had been 3 years since Ma died, and hi finally missed her, but he didn’t know why. She had been gone for three years. She hadn’t made any impact on his life, since she made the last impact on him, back when she was still alive. The form of impact she had made, was childish and Mark really didn’t miss talking to his teddy bear with mom.

Still he felt… Loss. Like he had something once and like he didn’t have that something anymore. Rather basic take on “missing”. Missing something meant to have lost something. Or someone. And he had lost ma, but he still didn’t get the sadness about that. Still, he finally felt sad. The word finally clued him in on something. Why would he “think” finally? Had the sadness been there long, “finally” being let out? Or was it that he didn’t feel sad, when he knew he should have?

What ever the course, the sadness was here, unpossible as it seemed. Seems that unpossible is possible, just with a longer waiting period.

But the sadness was general, it was all in him and not at all focused. He looked around himself, seeing himself sitting on the bed in what he would undoubtedly call his childhood room, at some point. That point was not now.

Now he was just sitting there, watching himself and the small space around him, and all of it spoke volumes about him. He was seeing himself on the shelves with the books and the toys. He was seeing himself in the Marilyn Manson posters posted on the wall, just hanging there, exactly where he posted them with glue and tape, not that many months ago. He saw himself, wherever he looked. And of course he did. This was his room, and the things in this room, was things of his choosing.

Maybe they’re make-believe, he thought. Like a vision of who I want to be, and not who I really am, he thought, and then thought further: Maybe I’m not seeing me as I am, but as I would like to be.

It was hard for Mark to tell, and in all truth, it didn’t even really matter which who he was, as long as he was, and he thought that that was the deepest thought he’d had all month.